Monday, February 22, 2010

A Fine Line

Saturday, February 20th, was the day that our unborn baby, Julia, was due to be born. We lost her in October, so Saturday was a very sad day. I still sit on the couch wishing that I was holding a baby. I miss the opportunity to be in the hospital during her birth and visiting Julia and Sandy at the hospital. I want to take my other kids to see their new sister. I want to buy another outfit for the baby's trip home. I want to hold and feed Julia.

Such thoughts can get me very depressed. I know it is not healthy for me to live in a depressed state. God does not want me to live a depressed life. My family, church, and clients cannot have me live a depressed life.

In order to avoid depression, it almost seems as if I should just try to forget about Julia. If I forget her and never think about her, then it is easier to avoid the depression.

But, forgetting about her does not seem right. She is a child of mine. In fact, I have three other children who are also already in heaven. I don't think I should just forget about them. If one of the children who presently live in my home died, I would never forget them. So, how can I forget my other children. This brings me full circle; if I don't forget about them, then I am sad and likely to be depressed.

I am struggling to find the fine line between remembering and not being depressed. In order to help, I decided that our family would have a "Family Memorial Day" on February 20th. On that day, we will remember the four children who are already in heaven. I bought little presents for my wife and my four children living in my home. We went out to a restaurant for pizza. The trip included a stop at Build-A-Bear so my little one could get an outfit for her new bear (this was her present). Hopefully, this will cause us to remember our children at least once a year without being controlled by the memories and sadness.